Navigating Romance as a Transgendered Woman of Color

Keeping in line with the launch of my new book, “The Blue Street Stories,” I am focusing on another short story about a transwoman finding love and the choices she has to make to secure it. The story follows Mercedes through her past as a prostitute and Ballroom legend. It is a serious, light-hearted story about navigating relationships as a transgendered woman. Be sure to buy the book and read “Expect Nothing.” I may post an excerpt in the Writer’s Forum.

Even in today’s fast-paced society, romantic relationships remain a universal goal. For transgender women of color, however, this experience is like no other. In this blog post, we discuss the substantial aspects of relationships; how to be inclusive, the role of race and the influence of gender identity, and how to date whilst breaking taboos and stereotypes.

To encourage romantic relationships that are more loving and inclusive, families must also encourage a dynamic where trans women of color feel safe, respected and loved for their uniqueness. This includes modeling why it is a form of strength and love to discuss issues, but also modeling how to do so in a respectful manner. It is important to show trans women of color that partners should be encouraged to learn about trans issues, and also encouraged to see the value and beauty in things such as womanhood, as well as being a woman of color in a white, straight-dominated society.

Race (and gender identity) can play a role in whom a person is attracted to and might lead to people being attracted to partners who share their race. Trans women of color might double their burden, vulnerable not only to transphobia but also race discrimination. Thus, the quality of the romantic market for them (a cumulative indicator of desirability and dating opportunities) might not reflect personal choices, but instead feel tainted with societal structures and biases.

Being resilient and self-aware is key for any dating trans woman of color: it is important to disclose your identity, but also to value your comfort and safety. Using dating apps that cater to the LGBTQ+ community can be beneficial to target a more open-minded and educated group about trans women.

In addition to the self-work we do dismantling stigma and stereotypes, we need allies and partners to join us, to stand with us, too. To fight the good fight, we need initiatives such as free awareness campaigns, community supports groups and LGBT+ educational programs to educate and foster a culture of trans acceptance and love. Trans women of color continue to work within systems, and live within a world, that is largely (still) against us. But we don’t have to accept it – we’re changing it. We’re stronger together.

In short, the path to love and acceptance is not a straight one, and it is a complicated journey, but it’s not an insurmountable one for transgender women of color in the US. By leaning on their community, romantically connecting with allies, and continuing to speak out against the grave injustices they face, love and empowerment are able to enter the lives of transgender women of color and others combating similar obstacles.

Despite the challenges faced by trans women, those of color face an extra layer of complexity when navigating the fluid waters of contemporary love. Often coming up against societal norms, assumptions about our existence, and more than one intersecting identity, trans women of color have a lot of love to be found. Yet they also have to fight through a lot to get there. As the world continues to push forward into a more inclusive future, it is important to highlight the experiences of trans women of color as they find love.

Anyway, romance isn’t easy for anyone, and for trans women of color it’s made even harder by discrimination, fetishization and rejection; they suffer prejudice not just because they’re trans, but also because they’re racialized; and so often they live in a world where they’re not fully welcome.

Trans women of color in particular exist at a confluence of race and gender identity, an intersection that can both enrich and complicate the dating lives of trans women. The narratives we keep telling about trans women – that they can’t be sexual beings, for example, or that they are inevitably attracted to older white men – often reach the touchline of the dating scene to shape how they are perceived. It can take a nuanced hand to find the signal among the noise.

There are social conventions that impose certain racialized and performative standards for the type of partner you should pursue, as our mainstream media, cultural traditions and public discourse frequently promote particular tropes that often exclude transgender women of color – so much so that these women often find themselves with romantic partners who fail to humanize their transness, who fail to see them beyond their racial identity, and whose desire is profoundly curtailed.

However, these trans women of color have positioned themselves to make their love lives happy after the barriers that stand in their way. Education, advocacy and community can all remake minds and shift perceptions toward welcoming environments where trans women of color have the power to live their best romantic lives without the ticking clock of a narrowed window to find love. It’s time to shift to creating radical hospitable spaces for these women to exist fully in the world so they aren’t on the outside looking in.

So, they say, a self-loving, self-accepting trans woman of color has the energy to bring love into another’s life. She can, and should, ask for it.

The insular dating spaces that trans women of color have built and cultivated can be a source of sustenance, support, and softness, thereby minimizing the shock of externalized transphobia and cishet persistence in their lives. Although there can be insinuations of colorism, transphobia, and cultural expectations in these spaces too, an open dialogue can help foster mutually supportive relationships.

Trans women of color who persevere in the face of discrimination and societal obstacles politics show bravery in seeking love Despite being an evolving space, it is important for us to cultivate a culture of inclusion that acknowledges their narratives and breaks barriers, so that we can provide the space and opportunities that allows trans women and men to receive the love they deserve, to love themselves freely, and to enjoy healthy, safe and valid romantic relationships.